Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Dr. B and The Woman

Y'all - I'm shattered.

It started last summer when our family physician, Dr. R., of 10 years decided to close his practice and go work for the VA. It had something to do with malpractice insurance rates and such and I was devastated. To say I loved Dr. R was an understatement. He and I had such a great rapport.

If I got the flu - all I had to do was call him and he would phone in a Z-pack and life would be good in 5 days. He never yelled at me if my sugar was too high and he was one of the funniest people I have ever met. I miss him. Immensely.

When he left he gave his patients a few weeks to find a new doctor and I asked who he recommended and he said Dr. B. I was cautious. I don't like doctors on the whole and find most to be....not nice folks. Especially to fat, diabetic blonde chicks like me. Anywho.

Tobey went to Dr. B first and gave him high marks. He said Dr. B was chatty and friendly and alot like Dr. R and that I would like him. So, I went to Dr. B back in October and had a follow-up yesterday. Well let me tell you my friends - I loved Dr. B. Lovedddddddddddd him. He is funny, chatty, flirty as all get out and drop. dead. gorgeous. I was secretly hoping to be sick more often because I would be glad to fork over my $15 co-pay to spend 30 minutes with him sticking his stethoscope down my shirt. Yes, I know I am perverted. Roll with it.

So I get to my appointment and they checked me in and didn't weigh me. Score! Two points. I was happy as a pig in... Then I sat in the little room waiting for Dr. B and the walls in the office are paper thin because I heard every word going on in the room next door. I regaled in this poor woman's post nasal drip and delighted to hear the doctor discuss several remedies. At the point where she began to discuss something on her body that was oozing and 'crusting' over though - I had had enough and walked into the hall where the volume on their discussion was even better. Argh!

As I am standing in the doorway Dr. B comes up behind me and does the 'rarrrrr' thing and I about made a puddle on the floor right then in there. Then I turned around. Oh the horror. Where was my gorgeous doctor? Gone he was, gone. What stood there resembled him faintly but his face was covered in the most scruffy beard I have ever seen. Not a sexy beard but a grandpa beard.

He showed me pictures of his brand new baby boy and we discussed my and his wife's dislike of his beard. He likes it. We don't. Then we get to discussing me and how I wanted to change my diabetic medication. I had had a discussion with my sis-in-law who said when she took the same meds as I am taking, her hair fell out. Well, ho. Tobey and I looked at each other and voila - my hair has been falling out. Clumps on my pillow. Handfuls in the shower. Here I thought I has some disease and it was the Avandamet. Problem solved.

I explained all of this to Dr. B and he said he had never heard of this problem before. I said that my SIL's doctor apparently had and maybe they should get together for lunch to discuss this. We then went on to discuss family and trips and how we are going to D.C and he is going to the Keys. I told him I didn't like the Key's much. He says I need to go down there in a boat. I told him we owned three and it was hard to decide which one to take. He said I should go scuba diving - I said can you imagine me in a scuba suit?????

Then we began to discuss the hair thing again and he said it was really because I was 43. To which I replied, "Ohnoyoudidntjustgothere!" And then this happened:

Dr. B: Welllllll, you're right. You are only 25 in man years.
Mrs. Oh: Man years? Is that like dog years?
Dr. B: Yes, men age 1.3 years for every year and women don't age as much as men do. So I am about 70 and you are 25.
Mrs. Oh: Ok.
Dr. B: So yeah, if anything happened and you were to die....you would look really good in a coffin.
Mrs. Oh: *hu...what did he just say*
Dr. B: *Looking me up and down* Reallllly good.

Holy cow folks. Is this guy into coffins? Does he sparkle? Couple that with the new beard and my fantasies about him are done with.

Dr. B walked me out and I told one of his nurses that she had to work on him about the beard. She said that she tried but the more she complains about it the more he digs his heels in. Typical man. Sparkly weird man. With a beard.

So does anyone have a good, preferrably hot, doctor I can switch to?



Oh gosh, my hot doctor is actually my dentist. He lives near me and runs without his shirt on every day. Oh. My. Gosh. I had to have some major dental surgery last year and I had to be put under. I was so afraid I was going to say something or even worse molest him when I was under, but my friend who is his assistant said I was very well behaved.

I had a hot dentist once too - it was the only time I actually looked forward to a root canal!

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