Today I am going to discuss something near and dear to my heart…man shoppers. Men, ya gotta love ‘em, but while shopping…notsomuch. I am writing this post because hubs commented in my last post about my views on man shoppers. And note the wording is “man shoppers” not men shopping, or guys shopping. It is: Man. Shoppers. Man shoppers. Usually said with scorn or distain with complete emphasis on the “man” in the phrase “man shoppers.”

Just a little background: yes, I have attended several mandatory diversity classes through work. Never once did they discuss man shoppers. I think they should for it is a topic I could definitely use a little diversity on. Now the term man shoppers evolved from one of our many trips to the super Wally world and being targeted by these testosterone-powered shoppers. Men. Hmpf. Truly, there should be special days for man shoppers. How about Tuesdays at 3 a.m.?

There are several things man shoppers do that drive me insane. For starters, you man shoppers out there: make a list! Follow the list. Get out as soon as possible so as not to be in my way. Also learn to drive a shopping cart correctly. Men, we don’t live in England. Drive to the right of the aisle please. It is a simple unwritten shopping rule. You drive your car on the right side of the road, please do so when you “drive” your shopping cart. Also, stay with your cart. Man shoppers are notorious for driving down the middle of the aisle, parking and then leaving their cart whilst they go in search of whatever product they think they need. So we have a cart in the middle of the aisle blocking my quick dart over to the wonder bread and then we have a clueless man shopper walking the aisle aimlessly looking for something wifey told him to get, which he can’t remember now. When I can finally maneuver around his cart, I find him standing right where I need to be. Looking clueless, like he didn’t know they sold sliced bread in stores.

As a woman shopper you can try the “excuse me” technique but it rarely works. IF the man shopper does realize he is a boil on the butt of all things holy in the shopping world, he will always move his cart up and out of your original way and park it exactly where you need to be. For the record, the correct technique is to stay with your cart boys! Push it along, pick things up, push it along, pick things up…you get the picture. If you are parked on the right side of the aisle and you need a product on the left side, then while you are standing behind your cart scope out what you need in advance. Then and only then quickly dart to the left and retrieve your item and return to your cart. Remember, I said quickly!

Things become more treacherous once the man shopper reaches the check out lane. This past Christmas we had a man shopper in front of us who did not know how to use the credit card machine at the check out. I am not kidding you. I just stood there and mumbled loudly, “man shopper.” Men, carry cash with you. This will uncomplicate the whole checking-out procedure, there will be no difficult swiping maneuvers required of you. The hardest thing you will need to do is fish your wallet out from your worn out back pocket. Those little green pieces of paper in there are monies, each has a big number in the corner. Simply grab a few out and add up the numbers on the corner until is matches or exceeds the amount on the cash register display. Hand money to cashier. Do not wait for change, tell cashier you want to buy a few castles for Jerry’s kids and get out of my way the store.

Finally ladies, never and I mean never, ever go shopping with your father. Fathers are dad shoppers and they are the worst of all man shoppers. If you see a dad shopper, steer clear of the aisle they are on. You can always swing back around to that aisle once the dad shopper is gone. Dad shoppers take cluelessness to a new level. Last time I shopped with my Dad he could not get over the price of bread. Seriously. Then you have the whole discussion on prices of bread when he was a child and how he walked uphill both ways in a snowstorm to get said bread. Dad shoppers never follow the rules of staying by the cart and wander aimlessly in the aisle. And then it happens…you need to move forward down the aisle. Dad approaches and says, “you don’t want to go down that way.” Then it hits you…literally hits you…what on earth did that man have for lunch?! When he begins to giggle like a school boy this is your chance to make a break for it. Ok, back the cart up now and fast. Retreat, retreat. At this point the safest place in the store is the feminine products aisle. If you stay on this aisle long enough, dad and man shoppers will eventually find you and stand at the beginning of the aisle. Man/dad shoppers never, ever come down this aisle. It is the shopping equivalent of kryptonite. Ignore your man shoppers and they will eventually tell you they will meet you at the car. Victory has been achieved at this point and you can smile knowing you just alleviated the store of one less man shopper.

Ohtobe read this post and states that I should be apologizing to all the man shoppers I have encountered per my last post comments. Um yeah, no. I suppose the Christian thing to do would be to aplogize however my twisting interpretation of the scriptures would be to apologize and embrace the change the man shoppers would make on future shopping excursions. Since we all know that you can't change a man, let alone a man shopper...I think no apology is necessary.

~ame