A little before noon yesterday the Lord called one of his own home. And while we suffer his loss, I am content in knowing that Kirk's faith was strong and I know now that he is resting in the arms of Christ...I know he was greeted with fanfare and the love of those that went on before him - like his grandparents Buddy and Mo and Gladys.

He leaves behind a wife who has been faithful and strong throughout this ordeal. She has been a rock. An amazing rock. He also leaves behind a 15 year old daughter and my heart aches for all that she will have to go through in her life without her Daddy. If there is one thing I know about Kirk, it was how much he loved that girl of his.

Last Thursday we got the call to come to the hospital. His time was near. And everyone that could, went. And we waited. His surgeon came in and had no idea why the family was gathered. We gathered because the pulmonologist said it was time. The surgeon disagreed. He was still optimistic. Yes, Kirk was still in critical condition. Yes, we had a long road ahead. And damned if I wasn't optimistic for once in my life.

While we waited for the surgeon, I told Tobey that I didn't think this was it - it wasn't the time. I never expected it to happen a few days later. And to be honest: I never expected it to happen at all. Kirk was certain he would be fine. I was certain he would be too.

I suppose now he is.

I told NanaTobey that the only ones suffering now were us. Kirk doesn't suffer any more and that is a blessing. His life was filled with pain from his back and neck issues and then the cancer. And now that is gone. I know he is dancing in heaven. And one day we will dance with him.

And finally this. Of course Nana and GrandTobey are rightfully besides themselves. We all are in our own ways. I can't imagine watching my child pass on. But. Being a mother. Birthing your child. Being there for their first breath. IF. If they have to go. IF they have to leave this world before you do...then...I would want it to be exactly the way it was for Kirk and Mom. IF he had to go...I am glad she was there. Holding him. Just like she did in the beginning. She was there for the first breath. And the last. And that to me, is a great gift. Gift isn't the right word. I don't know what is. But it is something special, atleast to me.

I'm not going to be posting for a while. This week is going to be spent holding my husband. Loving my children. Cooking mass quantities of Chicken Tettrazini. And working on the memorial photo program for Kirk. I don't know how I am going to do that. I loaded up the pictures last night and all I can do is cry. I have said this before and it bears repeating: when/if I get to heaven, God is gonna have to show me the blueprints he has for life and earth and all that jazz...because things like this....they just don't make any sense to me. None.

~april

on Monday, March 01, 2010

Labels: Life