Monday, July 6, 2009

Dressing Yourself 101, The College Edition

This post is in response to the comments that were generated here. What started out as a letter to Simba turned into a rant on clothing issues, specifically parents thinking that their children dress inappropriately. Before I get started let me state that Simba does not dress inappropriately all the time. She dresses nice when she goes to church or to see her Nana. Any other time it is hit or miss. So without further ado: Mrs. Oh's Guide to Dressing Yourself 101.

First, when you have an article of clothing (for the sake of argument here we will use a pair of pants as an example) that you have outgrown; donate it to charity unless you have mad sewing skills and are able to alter the garment into capris. If you fail miserably at even sewing a button on a garment, just donate the clothing you have outgrown, your mother will thank you. And no, stitch witchery is not sewing.

Case in point: Simba has a pair of home-made capris. The pants were purchased years ago and she grew too tall for them. She also grew to wide for them but that fact she ignores. Instead of donating the pants to a needy, shorter person, Simba cropped them herself. The first thing to notice is that the lengths on the pant legs are not the same. One leg is longer than the other. Additionally, the pant leg flared at the knee. Capris should not 'flare', let alone flare at different lengths. On her behalf though the capris do give her a nice lop-legged effect and who doesn't want to look like one leg is longer than the other.

Another clothing law to follow is simply: if you are a twenty year old and have clothes in your closet from middle school that you think you can still wear....donate them immediately because you can't wear them the same way you did when said clothing was first purchased. If the crotch of your pants 'whisker' unintentionally or in our case intentionally, donate them immediately. Donate the pants that is, not the crotch.

Sizing is another issue to pay close attention to as seen above. While I wouldn't have an issue with the tank top being so much smaller than the shirt IF the tank top was used solely as a layering piece. The fact that the tank top is worn by itself is a concern as you can clearly see it is so much smaller than other shirts in Simba's wardrobe. An easy rule of thumb to use when clothes shopping is if you hold the shirt up and it is half the width of your body, walk away. Find something that is the size of your body. Just because it may stretch doesn't mean you should wear it and just because you can pour yourself into it doesn't mean you should wear it either. If you are my spawn and still question this law: remember back to that scuba shirt your cousin gave you. Remember how I put it on. Remember how that looked. That should be visual enough to burn your retinas and spur you on to rid your brains of the 'I can fit into it ergo it fits me just fine' mentality.

Furthermore, by wearing a shirt that is several sizes smaller than your actual body size means we get to witness a fashion trend popular with the Generation Clueless: the skin belt. The only place a skin belt would ever be popular is at the beach or in a unused well where some guy lowers you lotion and tells you, "It rubs the lotion on its skin." So unless you are at the beach or happen to be a serial killer making clothing out of a victim's hide, say no to the skin belt. Did you happen to notice in Silence of the Lambs that the killer sewed his 'girl' suit. No stitch witchery there folks. But I digress. Skin belts lead to butt cracks and whale tales and folks that simply is not a good fashion choice. Ever. Unless you are a pole dancer and even then it isn't a good choice. Either show it all off or keep it all covered up and in this family showing it all off is not an option.

When you couple the too short, too small shirt with the 'low-rise' jean you have disaster in the making. Not too long ago at the Publix (again with the Publix) a gal bent over to get a can on the bottom shelf. She was in low rise jeans, too small shirt and skin belt. Despite her being skinny and cute, showing your butt crack is never anything less than trashy unless you are a plumber and then it is to be expected. Last I checked, none of my spawn could use a wrench let alone plumb anything so let's just leave the crack to the professionals. As for the low rise jean. Who invented this fashion faux pas? God gave us hips for a reason. 1. to be able to hula hoop and 2. to hold up your jeans and underroos. If the waist of your drawers is lower than your hip line: walk away. It isn't natural. If the button on your jeans rests squarely in front of your belly button, like mine do, then you have the perfect fit. Elastic waist is totally optional at this point and I will leave that up to individual taste. See, I allow for individuality!

Just another example of whiskering, this time on the caboose side. Trust me the front view is just as bad. I keep taking these sort of pictures in hopes that the old adage of a picture is worth a thousand words would ring true...but alas no. This look is never acceptable or attractive. Ever. According to the style gurus over at TLC's What Not To Wear: with pants you are to fit your widest part (the hip) and then the leg of the pant should skim away and down from the hip. This would create a long and lean look for the leg. This look Simba is throwing down? It is what I call the horseshoe and no woman wants her butt and legs to look like a horseshoe.

Now with all that being said please don't think I am just trashing Simba. I have repeatedly told her that I think she looks like Julia Roberts. Lately I think she can channel Anne Hathaway if she wanted to. I just wished she would channel Oscar-runway-Anne instead of the Princess Diaries before-she-had-a-makeover Anne.

Finally, I am sure Simba is going to comment on how un-hip I am, how everyone she knows dresses the same as she does and how her clothes are comfortable being painted-on tight. Well, I am pretty hip for a mom. I picked out her prom dress and that little red dress I bought at Christmas that she just loves. If I am unhip she wouldn't borrow my jewelry and ask my advice on what goes with what. If she could fit into most of my clothing or shoes, I can bet she would be a borrowin'. I don't make her wear the stretch polyester pants my mom bought for me and I am more up on the fashion trends than she is because I watch the news and read those papery things.....magazines and I don't get my news from One Tree Hill reruns. As for her friends, all but one that I can think of, does NOT dress like she does. At all. If you look at pictures of her and her friends, she is the only one in the picture that is dressed too skimpily or in clothing that is too small and/or tight. Her friends may say that they just love what she is wearing but just think: if she looks bad it just makes what they are wearing look even better; especially if you are competing for guy/boy/old-man attention.

As for comfort....there is no way something 2 sizes too small is comfortable. Unless of course you plan on starting a forest fire with all the friction your inner thighs create while wearing your jeans, tight is not an option. If tight is supposed to equate to comfort why is the first thing a gal takes off when she gets home is her too tight shoes followed by her too snug bra. If tight ruled the world wouldn't guys wear ties 24/7? Once you have a few kids and things get a little flubbery you will understand what true comfort really is. Maybe then, you will be like me and embrace the mom-jean. The mom-jean rules.

By the way, comment moderation is now on. I am mean like that. And to Simba, this post could have been much worse....I could have posted the 9th grade Gollum picture...on Love you!



I am really loving this comment moderation function and the ability to reject my childrens grammatically challenged comments. *sigh* If only life had such a button....

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