Sunday, July 12, 2009

Birds: The Review and Words of Wisdom

We are doing a little pet sitting at the Ohtobe Abode. This little gal is Lacey and she is the sweetest thing on four furry legs. She has integrated well with the 16 other furry legs in the house.

We are also watching this fellow or maybe he is a gal. He/she has a cagemate so there are TWO of them in the cage. I was asked what kind of birds they are. I have no idea, the grey kind? The winged kind? Who knows, certainly not me. Isn't he/she cute? Don't be deceived by the orange blush of her..his cheek though.

Tobey and I had to go out for a few hours yesterday and when we arrived home there was a 'smell'. Frodo and Barbie were home and thought that poor, innocent Lacey had done the deal if you get my drift. Well let me tell you this was no 'trouser cough' kinda smell. Having three boys and Tobey around I am well versed in all things smelly and trouser cough-like. This was definitely not it.

As I walked further in the house the stank got worse. I know that stank is a southern word but go with me on this one because it stank. No really, it was so stanky it was stankeded. I make my way into the dining room where I wisely had placed the bird cage on the dining room table and the stank increased to the power of 643. If you are doing the math that is the highest degree of stank known to man. There are studies on the subject, go Google it. In the bottom of the cage was the prettiest little egg you had ever seen. Did I mention the stank?

Now when I was young my Mom would buy eggs from the egg farm up in Duluth. There was always an eggy stank there too. But not like this.

We moved the bird cage into the spare bathroom and shut the door. The spare bath is located right under the air conditioner intake and the stank got worse, and who thought that was even possible. We shoved a sheet under the door and it still stank. We then moved the cage outside. I was worried about the birds and the heat but we are talking stank of biblical proportions here and had to choose between my olfactory glands or the birds. I won.

Frodo called his bestman Afro who works in the pet industry and asked for advice about the egg. Afro states that if the birds are girl/girl it isn't a problem but if the birds are girl/guy then it is a problem and the egg is probably rotten or something to that effect. The stank was eating away at any information my brain was/is trying to process. Afro also said that one of the birds could be sick. Or. Or. Or. My question is how do you tell if the birds are two girls or one of each? Do I lift up the tail feathers? With the stank who would want to get that close! I digress.

The birds are outside and the stank is inside. We light every candle and warmy-wax tart burner I have. Still we have stank. 2 hours later Tobey and I run to Wally World to purchase some Oust and breathe some fresh, non-stank air. Yanno the Oust commercials. The cute little cartoon bubbles capture your stank and *poof* make them disappear. Don't believe it my friends. Maybe it works fine for your normal stinks but when it comes to stanks the Oust was outnumbered. The little Oust cans hung their heads in shame, they had been so grandly defeated.

I went into every room and sprayed. It seemed the stank stuck to the corners of the rooms. I would walk in the center of the room and think, Oh this isn't bad. But when I got to the corners, Oh My Goodness - stink, stank, stunk and more stank. Road kill smells better than our house, not that I have ever smelled road kill before but I would bet my first born on this one. The stunk clung to every corner and soft spot in our home.

So now we have the candles lit, sprayed the house with two cans of Oust and still have the stank. We replaced the a/c filters and still: stank. After 6 hours it begins to fade or maybe we had grown accustomed to the stank. Frodo leaves to pick Butter up from work and when he returns he informs us that we just grew accustomed to the stank. Plus, when he opened the front door, more stank snuck into the house. There are few things in life that I hate more than a sneaky stank.

Tobey finally went out after midnight and armed with my kitchen tongs and retrieved the egg from the bottom of the cage. I don't know if it was a viable egg or not and felt guilty about him throwing it away. However, it isn't like they have a nest in the cage and the birds didn't seem to give a flying whoop about it. I was wondering how the birds dealt with their own stank. How do they stand it? But then I have had 5 kids who have successfully navigated the teen years and trust me, apparently you can grow to love your own stank.

This morning the stank has dissipated a bit I think but honestly my nose is so twerked at me right now I can't trust it anymore. So you are probably wondering the reason of this post? It is simple: don't own birds. Get a dog. Really. Right now.

I don't mean to offend the bird owner's of the world but if you own a bird I think the stank has permeated into your brain. You can't hug a bird. Birds don't give you sweet, puppy kisses like Max does. I have to wonder the purpose of a caged bird. Wait, I just remembered the purpose: stank! Do you bird people not get enough stank in your life in other ways you have to capture and cage the stank? I think Maya Angelou had it wrong and up until yesterday hers was my favorite poem. The caged bird sings because it wants to escape it's own stanky, furry winged self.

Seriously, I view birds in a whole new light now. For the first 3 minutes the birds were in the house I thought the chirping was lovely and quaint. It added a nice musical ambiance to all the barking, kid bickering and Halo playing noises. Today birds are simply caged rats.

Today's blood sugar is 162 after dinner. Normal reading. Yay! And no I didn't treat myself to a piece of dutch apple pie to celebrate. It was a big piece...with cool whip!



I've never wanted a bird, and after reading this I want one even less!

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