My greatest fear is that I am going to become ever more tolerant. Of my back pain. I have resolved myself to know that I will never be normal. I will never be pain-free. I will live with my spine shifting and shimming for the rest of my life. My fear is the tolerance. And I get to thank my good doctor for putting this fear in my head.

He explained that what we should hope for is for my pain level to subside back to where it was in June - before the last three throw outs I have had since July 4th. My thought is that I want the pain to just go away to nothingness or more appropriately normalness. But somewhere along the line I began to tolerate the prior pain level as being my norm. Now there is a whole new norm and that norm is intolerable. When am I going to find what I am currently experiencing as the norm?

During my last doctor visit we reviewed and compared my latest and greatest MRI to the last MRI and the doctor said there was no difference. Now I have the prior report but not the current report and I know there are a few differences. The first being that there is a disc herniated to the point of it pressing on my nerves which is giving me a wonderful, non-stop siatic pain which is wrapping around my legs like they were candy canes. The siatica wasn't there before.

I would have to say that the worse pain I have ever endured was giving birth to the boys without the use of any drugs. Trust me, I wanted the drugs but for one reason or another I didn't get them. This pain I have now tops child birth and the worst part is it does not lessen. I can numb it up with pain killers but all that really does is numb my brain into not caring my back hurts but the pain is still there. Waiting.

And when I came home today for lunch I went straight to bed to lay down. As well as having a wonderful family that takes care of me when I am like this, the puppies also take care of me. I no sooner flopped on the bed and up came Max and Daisy. Daisy layed at my head and I actually used her rear for a pillow and Max curled at my tummy. They knew their Momma was not well and they stayed with me like that until I had to leave.

As it stands I am defeated and depressed and did I mention in pain. I am really just trying to focus on today and not look to far in the future because the thought of living in this condition for the rest of my life is unacceptable. I can't imagine it. We will be doing more injections in December once the inflamation in my back calms down and I am hopeful that I may get some relief then.

Have I whined enough? I think someone accused me of being a whiner. I suppose she was right.

~ame

on Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Labels: Life