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Groundhog's Day
A close family friend of mine is terminally ill. She came back to my hometown to say her good-byes so Tobey and I drove up for the weekend. I think this trip home has really solidified that this little town isn't home anymore.
At least that is what I have felt this entire trip. Things have changed so much and do each time I come back and traffic is worse and I don't know but it just is different somehow.
I got to spend a few hours with my friend of 20+ years and will be seeing her again tomorrow. We lunched and dined with my baby brother Matt Damon, Lil Martha and their daughter Pork Chop. I also stopped by to see a cousin I haven't seen in almost 30 years and I am hoping that relationship will be rekindled and I hope he enjoys the CD I burned of family photos from my Mom and Grandma.
We also made our usual trek to see Momma. As I pulled into the cemetery I was already in tears and I have no idea why. I mean really - how many dang trips have we gone out there in the last 7 years. By the time we parked I was in a full on floodfest. I had bought a new angel statue to put on her headstone and I just sat on the little bench be brought down years ago and I cried and cried.
And all I could think of was how I felt that first day we were there. The day we buried her and how I felt then. How if it were up to me I would have laid right down on top of that grave and never moved. And that is how I felt today. If it weren't for Tobey I really think that is exactly what I would have done. Just laid down there and cried until I didn't have a tear left in me.
Then we walked to my grandparents and great grandparents graves which are 97 steps from Mom's grave. My great Aunt passed away in December and she is buried one row from the grands. The ground hadn't healed yet and that sight of that newly dug grave just made things worse. I told Tobey maybe his parents did it right - just be cremated then there is no place for silly girls to go and blubber.
So. It seems if I take a few steps away from this grief I always ended up back to square one. I did the math today. From the time Momma died until today - we have lost 9 people in our family. A little over one a year or thereabouts. I am really ready to have a few years where no one else dies but I think as I get older it is only going to get worse.
But on the good side of things and hey - props to me for even thinking of a good side. It was great to spend time with friends and family. It is way overdue for Tobey and I to spend some time together and we are enjoying it immensely. We also were able to use our frequent hotel miles and got a great discount on our room and even received an upgrade to a suite at check-in!
~ame
Death is sooooo HARD on the ones left. I hope soon your grief will be wonderful memories.
Tee said... April 15, 2012 at 3:01 PM
I'm sorry you had such a rough trip! I am glad you got to see some other relatives and your friend during the trip though. Let us know if you need anything.
Shannon said... April 16, 2012 at 11:47 AM
No wonder you are emotionally drained with the nonstop grieving and the roller coaster of life. Seems as if your friend's terminal illness triggered the enormity of loss, especially of your mother.
As Tee said, may dear memories provide the comfort you need.
Sadie said... April 16, 2012 at 12:11 PM
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sofa table said... May 28, 2012 at 9:40 AM
oh Lovely I understand your tears. I really really do. XOX All my love to you. 7 years or 70 we will always want our Mothers. love love love to you
Kim @frogpondsrock said... July 12, 2012 at 2:42 AM
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