There are things in life that are more sacred to a woman than anything else and that a man just can not comprehend. No matter how hard he may try, he just can’t wrap his head around it. And honestly, neither can I. You may be wondering right now what on earth I am talking about: the Mary Kay party. Love them or loathe them but by goodness do not leave the house without a freshly spackled face.

Notice how your man doesn’t go to other men’s grooming parties, there is a reason for it…because it just ain’t natural. Yes I said ‘ain’t’. Which means I am throwing down some southern on you good blog readers, which in turn means this is a subject near to my heart. Rockin' Rob has never invited Tobey over for a candle party or pedicure party, this kind of bonding is saved for us women. Lucky us.

So a while back Letha, with whom I work, starts selling Mary Kay. I love me some good ole Mary Kay and get invited to one of her training parties. I was excited up until the point that I got to the big pink building filled with other Mary Kay lovers, sellers and folks who were just vying for a free lipstick sample. I had no idea what I was in for.

First things first: they tell us to take our make-up off. Off? Off! Um, I don't do off. Now my boss is sitting a few seats down from me and while I love and respect her, um, I don’t want to see her au natural, if you know what I mean, and I am pretty sure she has no interest in seeing me in the buff-face either. But we are forced to defrock our faces all in good fun….and in the hopes of a free sample and to make Letha look good because she had so many folks show up.

Don’t let me put on airs here, when I am off work I usually don’t wear make-up. I figure the family can suffer through, but going out or at work, that is a different story all together. But I digress…we are buck-face-naked and then one of the Mary Kay commandants directors comes by and takes our picture for the ‘before/after’ segment. Well, no one said anything about being face-nekkid, let alone pictures! In the name of all things holy I don’t have to tell you the horror that ensued afterwards. We were all eager to buy as much Mary Kay as possible at that point. And quickly.

Now off to the side of where all the victims were seated are all the newbie Mary Kay agents, all fresh-faced and eager to learn how to apply eye shadow and suggestive sell mascara. Yeah I want to be without make-up in a roomful of very make-upped women. On the table in front of us victims was a cute pink luncheon tray filled with various products and we were then instructed on how to use each one.

First up, Mary Kay wrinkle reducing cream, or as I like to call it: Crack and Crevice cream. I had not listened to the instructions and did not apply the cream. One of the commandants came over and I explained to her that I didn’t have any cracks or crevices on my face. She then got real close and examined me and said, “Oh girlfriend, you so need this cream, right here (pointing) and here (pointing) and see this groove over here (pointing still). So I was forced to apply this miracle cure and then I was made an example of (which is supposed to be an honor) and had to stand in front of the newbie agents and Vanna White the two sides of my face: one with cracks and one without. Oh the glorious miracle of Mary Kay and everyone ohhh’d and ahhh’d! By the way, Simba and Barbie were sitting next to me and no one demanded they use the crack and crevise cream. Just sayin’.

Honestly, I don’t think my self esteem has ever fully recovered. And I don’t know what was up with the little hand held mirrors they had. I swear most cancer-researching scientists don’t have the magnifying capabilities those mirrors held. My pores had pores.

The night rolled on, we finally got to finish putting our faces back on. Lipsticks were won. Orders were placed. Mine included. And when the order finally arrived and Letha brought it to my desk….I received a free gift with purchase...in a pretty pink gift bag…boy, was I excited….what was it? …wait for it now….

Mary Kay cellulite cream. First I get told I have a face like the Mohave Desert and now I, not so subtly I might add, get told I have cellulite. Which I eat, so of course I have cellulite. Poor Letha didn’t know what to do because I was taking the ‘gift’ so personally and it had nothing to do with the fact that I am a fluffy gal, even the skinny gals got the cellulite cream. But that wasn’t the point! My cellulite has never seen the light of day and I was offended that someone would even think I had cellulite….yeah I know, I am covered in the stuff but that ain’t the point.

So I get home and what do I do with it…. I gave it to Simba because at the 120 pounds she weighs…she has got some major heiney cellulite. Oh, don’t go and judge me for saying that about my daughter, she readily admits it and I think she used the whole tube up!

P.S. That poster up above is a little something I threw together for Letha to submit to Mary Kay as a new ad campaign. You can see me and my boss in the ad. I still say I don't need that crevise cream, even if my skin is green!

~ame