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Make no mistake
when you are in the hospital you know who your friends are. And you know who they aren't. While I have only really seen and spoke with a few people during this ordeal I know of every person that has been contacted and every person who has called Tobey and offered their love, support, prayers and cash. Okay no one offered cash. Yet.
Then there are the folks you would think could take a minute from their day to give you a call - and they don't. I have heard from people I would have never guessed would have cared enough to call - and yet others: nothing.
Sure. It could be argued that these folks 'just don't know what to say or do'. But whatever.
So ch-cha-changes are a comin' my friends. I don't know if that is going to make me a better person, friend or family member. We'll see. But since I now know who cares about me and who doesn't....it should make life interesting because I am done wasting time on those who don't care.
Anyhow.
It is pushing 1 a.m. on my first night back home. Okie and Yod are curled up around the snoring Tobey and all is good in my world. Except.
WHY ME?
Not why did this happen TO me but why did I survive it? I learned today from Butter that the head cardio doctor informed my husband and kiddos that usually folks don't survive what I went through. So why me? Don't get me wrong. I am beyond grateful to God and Christ that I won the heart attack lottery - but why me?
And then I think why did this happen TO me. I know folks how chain smoke like crazy and folks who have much worse control over their sugar levels. I know folks who have been told they would die within a few years if they didn't make changes in their lives and they are still kickin' it. My doctors have never said that to me. Ever.
I figure every heart beat forward from now on that I am on borrowed time. If not for being 5 minutes from the hospital and a terrific cardiac unit, if not for being awoken by the pains in my chest instead of just succumbing to them, if not for my faith in Christ - I. Would. Not. Be. Here. Today. And that my friends I can't wrap my head around. Me. Dead. At 44. All I see when I close my eyes is my headstone. Dead at 44.
And my God - what people must be thinking and saying about me now. Of course, as I mentioned above, some apparently didn't think of me at all.
I am praying within the next few days that I don't feel every single beat of my heart. I don't know if it is because the rhythm is a little different that makes it so noticable or if it is because of the damage to the heart muscle but I am having serious issues feeling every beat. Maybe that is God's little reminder to me that I have a long road ahead of me.
April
Obviously the good Lord is not finished with you here on earth. You have an assignment(s) ahead of you that must be accomplished. The hard part is figuring out just what HE wants you to do and obeying HIM. It is very difficult when the realization hits you that the people that you thought cared about you really don't seem to care (I've been dealing with that the past year and honestly it hurts).
The good part of this, you have a second chance to make things better in your world, will that be easy, probably not, but you must realize how blessed you are to have that second chance. My prayer for you is III John 2.
Tee said... January 27, 2011 at 4:16 AM
Tee - ty so much!
Mrs. Ohtobe said... January 27, 2011 at 7:08 AM
Dear Mrs O,
I found your website several months ago and I have enjoyed it daily since. I am not even sure how I found it but I am glad I did. I was sorry to hear that you were ill but happy to hear you are feeling much better now. Your post "Make No Mistake" really hit home for me last night. My grandmother has been very ill for the past three weeks and passed away last night. You are so right when you know who your friends are and who are not. I have had well wishes coming in from everywhere but yet the ones that always say how much they care about me, those are the ones that I didnt hear from, honestly one person in particular that really hurt by not seeming to care. So, your post last night was good to read, made me realize that I too having some cleaning out to do. Thank you, and feel better!
Anonymous said... January 27, 2011 at 1:40 PM
If we weren't so far away, we would've brought you a big bucket of KFC.
Scratch that...maybe some tofu and bean sprouts?
Glad you're home!
Love ya - Matt & Martha :)
Anonymous said... January 27, 2011 at 2:49 PM
Okay: Here's my pep talk.
Several years back, my dad suffered a massive heart attack. And I couldn't get beyond that one fact, why him? He was young, healthy, a runner, a damn vegetarian and still... I walked around for about a year, giving out of shape people and smokers the evil eye.
And then I realized as trite as it might sound, it is not our job to question God's plan. It is just our job to make the best of what he gives us. And as for feeling every heartbeat. I have a heart murmur. Some days it acts up mightily and I am a panicked mess feeling all those heartbeats, so I know EXACTLY where you're coming from. Just try to remember, you're doing what you're supposed to be doing. Now that all those pathways are cleared out, your heart will be that much stronger, so don't worry. God wants you down here. Let him worry about your heartbeats. You've got some living to do.
And one more thing: something my dad told everyone about after his heart attack. Depression drops in right after the heart attack. It happens to the best of folks. Don't be afraid, if you start to feel low, to get some help.
Big hugs to you, Mrs. Oh. You've got my email. Use it any time you'd like. I might be trying to focus on my novel more than blogging, but I'm always here.
Joann Mannix said... January 27, 2011 at 10:23 PM
Love to you sweety. I am reading but am too tired tonight to comment properly :) xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Kim (frogpondsrock) said... January 28, 2011 at 5:06 AM
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