Thursday, January 27, 2011

The Wimpy Gal's Guide to Heart Attacks

Yeah so this blog has gone all about my health. Sorry.


First up when I got home I had to immediately brush my teeth. Not that I didn't whilst in the hospital but those hospital toothbrushes just don't cut it. So I am brushing my teeth and I am looking in the mirror and dang it all friends but I had a chin hair. Okay, I had another chin hair. And not like on the jawline edge of my upper chin but slap-dab in the middle of my chin between my jawline and my lower lip. And it was like an inch long. How did that happen! And the whole time I was in the hospital I was apologizing to everyone about my hairy legs and I was oblivious to the footlonger I had sproutin' beneath my lip.

One valuable lesson I learned throughout this ordeal was to always, always and always make sure you shave your legs cuz you never know when you are going to infarct a few times. I think I was more worried about my legs than anything else. Tobey? Naw. If anything happens to me he is my Marlboro Man and such a good man, uber intelligent and what a hottie - naw, I needn't worry about him. The kids? Naw. They are all fine kids and most of the time they don't listen to me anyways so they would be okay without me too. But the EKG tech guy? Yeah him. He is so going to talk smack about my furry legs.

What was kinda nice was everyone's concern for my modesty during my stay and all the procedures I had done. First up the EKG guy. He comes in my room and introduces himself and then he whips out a wetnap and places it on my chest. Okay it wasn't a wetnap but it might as well have been. The nap was designed to cover your chesticles while he places the electrodes on your chest. The boy needed to bring a bigger wetnap if you ask me. It would have been more appropriate had he whipped out a beach towel.

Which in total randomness reminded me of some Goldie Hawn movie where she was sitting in a bathtub and had to cover up because someone walked in on her. She used a wash cloth. And it covered her. Twice over. Me? Not so much.


What I really wanted to share with ya'll today was the heart cath because despite being a huge House fan I couldn't really tell you what a heart cath was and I was beyond terrified. So just in case you find yourself having a couple of heart attacks at least you will be informed.

Now let me preface all of this with the fact that I am a wimp. I have a tendency to pass out cold when I have to give blood so I might be a little over dramatic on things a bit.

From my end of things it seemed pretty simple. I was moved into the cath lab and scooted onto a small table that was hooked up with several video monitors and a swinging small xray dohickey. On my first cath I was given Morphine right away. I spell Morphine with a capital M because he just deserves that kind of respect. My right arm was prepped and tapped down so I wouldn't move it around during the procedure. My left arm was sort of stablized as well so I wouldn't move around. I think someone might have told them I would want to bolt for the parking lot... At this point I was feeling pretty good up until the blankets were pulled aside and some guy shaved my groin region. Now I know how the yard feels when I weed whack it. Gentle he was not.

The doctor arrived and numbed up my wrist and inserted a needle into my wrist and it was just barely uncomfortable. There was more Mr. Morphine and some flying pink gorillas and then the dye was injected. I must have moaned and the doctor asked me what was wrong. I replied with "I am feeling all warm, in my nether-regions." Nether. Regions? I have never called my nether regions nether regions before. Ever. But anyways: the doctor said he was injecting the dye and that I would feel hot all over and I would feel like I was going to the bathroom but no worries, I wasn't. Actually the warmth of the dye felt so good because the cath lab was so very cold. For the rest of the time I felt the warmth first in my mouth and then it travelled down south to the good china.

And that was about it. I was back in my room within an hour and a half and the majority of that was prep time.

Now the next day I had to have another cath to repair the blockage. My nurse that day was beyond wonderful and wheeled me all the way down to the lab - Rock the Casbah was playing when we entered the lab and I started dancing in my bed. And so did my nurse. And then the lab techs joined in too. Good times. If only I wasn't like in the hospital.

My nurse said to make sure the doctor cathed my wrist again because if he went the groin route I would have to lay flat on my back for SIX hours. So I am getting prepped again but my arm isn't being taped down this time. Rut-roh. No Morphine either. Double rut-roh. I asked to have the cath put into my wrist again and the techs said the doctor wanted to use my groin. If I had a nickle everytime I heard that one... opps family blog... I then said it would be much easier to use my arm again as I have birthed twins and am all flubbery 'down there' and my wrist is less flubbery and the artery is so much easier to find.... Yanno me having graduated from med school and all - and can you believe they didn't listen to me!

At this point the doctor came in and still no more Mr. Morphine. I was thinking I would have to do lamaze but I got dosed up after the lidocaine was administered to my nether-regions. And that was about it. I don't recall leaving the lab either time or getting back to my room or in my bed. Did I mention I love Mr. Morphine?

The after effects are some mild pain. My wrist is fairly sore still and my nether-region and the artery down my leg and up my side are reallllllly sore today on day 3 after the procedure. My advice is to go the wrist route if your doctor gives you a choice. And don't freak out about it like I was doing. I actually had more pain the last time I went to the dentist than I did during the cath.

This has been a public service announcement. Ha. I almost typed pubic service. Er. Nether-regions.

Oh. Thanks you guys. For your comments. And e-mails. Love you all.



Morphine is my best friend. Seriously. When I had morphine everything in the world was beautiful.

And nether-regions is my new go-to word. I can't wait to use it in cocktail conversation. I REALLY can't wait to say, "I'm feeling all warm in my nether-regions."

Um...Where's Bono?

Feel better, Mrs. Oh.

Thanks for the pubic service announcement. Skip a few days of blog reading and look at all I missed! So glad you are back home and feeling better. You make a hospital stay sound down right enjoyable. :)

Morphine, it's like the breakfast of champions.

Hate the morphine. Makes me cold and itchy. I guess I'd be a very bad junkie.

Feel better, Mrs. Oh. One of my best friends had one ten years ago when she was 38. She's fine now! You will be too.

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